Brad & Lisa/transcript


 * [movie starts with the 2010 20th Century Fox logo]


 * [camera cuts to the Simpsons house, then to Lisa's bedroom, with Lisa reading a book while sitting on her bed]


 * Lisa Simpson: Hmm... [she immediately stops reading as she looks at the audience. To the viewers] Oh, hi, everybody! Remember our first movie from 2007? Yeah, it was a critical and commercial success, but, [slams the book closed] this time, ladies and gentlemen, is another Simpsons movie. Yes, y'all heard me. [puts the book on her lap] 40 hours ago, I have been transported to the real world, somewhere in Springfield, Missouri, and I have met Brad Pitt, the world's most powerful actor of all-time. You all ready for the story? Cue the music! [she claps and the theme from The Simpsons starts playing in the background] Let's go! [she continues reading]


 * [the titles then read "20th Century Fox Presents," "A 20th Century Fox Animation Production," and "in association with Gracie Films"]


 * Homer Simpson: [calling out] Alright, Lisa, stay inside! We're going on a vacation! Be good, okay?


 * Lisa Simpson: Okay, guys! I'll miss you all soon!


 * Homer Simpson: Marge, did you get the towels?


 * Marge Simpson: Yes.


 * Homer Simpson: The sunscreen?


 * Marge Simpson: Yes.


 * Homer: The rest of the vacation stuff?


 * Marge Simpson: [sighs] Again, yes.


 * Homer Simpson: [calling out again] Okay, Lisa! We're leaving! We'll be right back!


 * Lisa Simpson: Okay, I know! I'll be good!


 * Homer Simpson: Okay! See you in 40 hours! [the family, except Lisa, leaves the house and they close the door. Lisa comes downstairs, looks out the window and sees her family in the car and are ready to go on a vacation. cut to Homer and Marge]


 * Marge Simpson: You know vacations are holidays.


 * Homer Simpson: Oh, I know they are.


 * Marge Simpson: Um, aren't you gonna work at the power plant?


 * Homer Simpson: Relax. Hopefully Mr. Burns would like that. [cut to Mr. Burns's office in the power plant. He is waiting for Homer to work at the plant]


 * Smithers: [to Mr. Burns] Are you sure Homer will be there?


 * Mr. Burns: Oh, come on, Smithers. You think Homer is just as lazy as fat people are and is waiting for himself to work at this plant? Pfft. That's all I need to ask.


 * Smithers: [thinking] I'll just pretend this thing is trying to come between me and Mr. Burns. [cut back to Homer and Marge. Ned appears outside of the Flanders house]


 * Ned Flanders: Well, hi-diddly-ho, neighborino!


 * Homer Simpson: [talking to himself, whispering] Stupid Flanders. [to Ned; sarcastically] Well, hey, Ned. We're going on a vacation. My daughter's staying in our house. She's gonna do a lot of things in there. I bought her a to-do list to see if she wants some tasks to do. Wouldn't [points] you go on a vacation?


 * Ned Flanders: Well, I'd love to, but... [short pause] No.


 * Homer Simpson: Why not?


 * Ned Flanders: I've got lots of work to do at my house, like trimming our bushes, praying to my now-deceased wife, and everything.


 * Homer Simpson: Oh, okay. Well, see you in also 40 hours!


 * Bart Simpson: More like "see you in 40 days"! [laughs]


 * Marge Simpson: [angrily] Bart! [cut to Lisa still looking out the window. The family then drives off]


 * Lisa Simpson: It's a good thing I'm the only one in this house. [sighs] Oh, well, I guess it's time to do something else, but, hey, I have my to do list. [cut to Lisa's bedroom, with Lisa entering her room] There you are. [she picks up her to do list and becomes shocked after she notices she has a lot of tasks to do on her list] Ay, caramba! I didn't know I had so many of these to do! "Turn on music." Hmm. [she comes back downstairs and sees a radio station on a table] A-ha! [she walks up to the radio] Music, Mr. Radio. [she turns it on and Take Me Home starts playing] That's one.


 * [all of a sudden, a vortex appears outside, high above the backyard of the Simpsons house. Lisa gasps. Cut to Moe's Tavern, then the interior of it, where Barney, Lenny and Carl are drinking beer. Moe enters the scene]


 * Moe Szyslak: You all want a refill?


 * All (Barney, Lenny and Carl): Yeah! [Barney burps]


 * Moe Szyslak: Gotcha. But, don't mind that, because that won't be worth extra mugs. [Comic Book Guy bursts in]


 * Comic Book Guy: Guys! [they all stare at Comic Book Guy with confused expressions on their faces] I got something bad for you all.


 * Moe Szyslak: A tornado?


 * Carl Carlson: A sinkhole?


 * Lenny Leonard: A pileup?


 * Barney Gumble: A hurricane? [burps]


 * Comic Book Guy: No! It's a vortex!


 * All (Moe, Barney, Lenny and Carl): A vortex?


 * Comic Book Guy: Yes! Come out! You gotta see this! [he, Moe and the barflies come out of the bar to see the vortex]


 * Lenny Leonard: You're right. I knew I should've moved to New York City.


 * Barney Gumble: More beer for me! [they all stare at Barney] What? [burps. Cut back to the backyard of the Simpsons house]


 * Lisa Simpson: Oh, God, stop this crazy thing! [screams, then hangs onto the grass. Santa's Little Helper comes out of the Simpsons house and looks at Lisa] No! Don't leave me here! Don't! [Santa's Little Helper walks back in. The piece of the grass then snaps, sending Lisa into the vortex] Noooooooo! [the vortex closes as it stops]


 * Brad Pitt: Look at you. Looking so smooth... and beautiful. You... You must be Lisa Simpson!


 * Lisa Simpson: That's right! [notices Brad knows her name] Wh-- What?! How the hell did you know my name?


 * Brad Pitt: Well, it's because of that short, fashionable red dress. [Lisa looks at her dress] Those nice little red shoes. [she looks at her shoes] And the hair. It looks so spiky. [she pulls out her mirror to see herself]


 * Lisa Simpson: Oh, Lisa, look at you. Still looking beautiful in the real world.


 * Brad Pitt: [facepalms] Look, all I'm saying is that--


 * Lisa Simpson: What are you saying?


 * Brad Pitt: We're best friends forever.


 * Lisa Simpson: [gasps] Really?! Best friends?! You and me?! Forever?!


 * Brad Pitt: Yes.


 * Lisa Simpson: [shrieks in joy, then sighs] [dreamily] Ohh, this is beautiful. We're... best friends... forever... [faints]


 * Brad Pitt: Lisa? [runs over to Lisa] Lisa? Lisa! Wake up! Lisa?


 * Lisa Simpson: [regains consciousness and begins to sing Now That We're Together] ♪Ohhhhhh, now that we're together, we get to have lots of fun. It's you and me, all about our friendship.♪


 * Brad Pitt: ♪Staring at the charming sky at night, shining stars falling down from the sky.♪


 * Lisa Simpson: ♪All we wanted is a selfie.♪


 * Brad Pitt: ♪And selfies are for friends.♪


 * Brad Pitt and Lisa Simpson: ♪Oh, now that we're together, we get to have lots of fun. It's you and me, all about our friendship. Oh, now that we're together, we get to have lots of fun. It's you and me, all about our friendship.♪ [they finish singing their song]


 * Lisa Simpson: Do you remember David Hasselhoff?


 * Brad Pitt: [confused] Who?


 * Lisa Simpson: David Hasselhoff. He was the greatest actor in the whole wide world, just like you. He also became a businessman and a singer.


 * Brad Pitt: Yeah, I knew that, and his nickname was "The Hoff".


 * Lisa Simpson: [gasps] Wow! I didn't know he had that nickname.


 * Brad Pitt: I didn't either.


 * Lisa Simpson: Okay, okay. I got a joke for you guys. What happens when you try to lift a weight?


 * Brad Pitt and Dexter Heinrich: [offscreen] How?


 * Lisa Simpson: [turns around and suddenly, her dress then rips, splitting open, revealing her underwear] You rip your pants! [they all crack up]


 * Brad Pitt: Oh, man. [takes a deep breath] I can't help laughing at that joke. I just can't help it. Lisa, you are one amusing little girl that made us laugh our butts off. [Lisa blushes]


 * Dexter Heinrich: Anyway... [takes a deep breath] I'm gonna ask you a question, Lisa. What town do you live in?


 * Lisa Simpson: Oh, um... I live in Springfield, near Shelbyville. Brad lives in Springfield, too. But he's from another state.


 * Dexter Heinrich: What state?


 * Lisa Simpson: [whispers into Dexter's ear] He's from Missouri.


 * Dexter Heinrich: Oh, yeah.


 * Lisa Simpson: Well... Toodle-oo! [she giggles as they both walk off]


 * Brad Pitt: Hey, don't be so silly!


 * Dexter Heinrich: Oh, why do I even bother meeting those two? [You Will Know begins playing, which is the ringtone of his phone, which is an iPhone 3GS. Takes his phone out of his pocket, then answers it] Hello? Dexter's listening. Oh, Mr. Woodring. It's a pleasure to meet you. Two 8-packs of Jack Daniel's ordered on Wednesday? Ack, forget it. I'm not an alcoholic person, ya know. You are just making this worse for yourself. Oh, and don't forget, Lisa Simpson is in our world now, and she's with Brad Pitt. Like: "What? That doesn't make any sense." But, yeah, I gotta go, because I don't have time for this. So, bye! [he hangs up, then sighs and walks offscreen]


 * [camera changes to Brad and Lisa singing along with Kesha's Tik Tok on the radio while Brad is driving]


 * Lisa Simpson: ♪Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up♪


 * Brad Pitt: ♪Tonight, I'ma fight, till we see the sunlight♪


 * Brad Pitt and Lisa Simpson: ♪TiK ToK, on the clock, but the party don't stop, no. Woah-oh oh oh, woah-oh oh oh. Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up, tonight, I'ma fight, till we see the sunlight, TiK ToK, on the clock, but the party don't stop, no. Woah-oh oh oh, woah-oh oh oh.♪ [song ends]


 * Lisa Simpson: [sighs] That was magnificent, wasn't it, Brad?


 * Brad Pitt: Yeah, it sure was. Hey, we should write down our #1 thing: sing along while listening to a song on the radio. How does that sound?


 * Lisa Simpson: Um, I'm not going to lie... but that sounds amazing.


 * Brad Pitt: [sighs]


 * [Lisa starts sobbing as sad music begins to play. Brad stops, turns around and looks at Lisa with a very confused look on his face]


 * Lisa Simpson: No, you don't understand. [sniffles. She walks over to Brad] You and me used to be best friends forever. We've done many things we did, like cloud watching and singing along to songs, and you decided to break my heart. How could you do that to me?!


 * Brad Pitt: Well, I-- [stammers] I didn't know we were friends.


 * Lisa Simpson: Then I guess we won't be friends. Never! [runs off crying]


 * Brad Pitt: Wha-- Lisa, wait! Wait! Stop, it was an accident! [ashamed] Oh, no. What have I done? Making a little girl cry and run off? Now that makes me an absolute failure of me. I guess I should apologize to her soon. Oh, Lisa. [Gerald, who is offscreen, clears his throat to Brad, startling him] Huh? What the--? Who's there? [sees Gerald] Oh! Officer, it's you.


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: About time you shown up. [notices Lisa isn't next to him] Where's Lisa?


 * Brad Pitt: Well, uh-- She's, er-- [clears throat] She's-- [Gerald interrupts]


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. [Brad facepalms]


 * Brad Pitt: I knew you were gonna say that. Now if you excuse me, I better go talk to her. [the title reads "Goodbye, officer!" as Brad says goodbye to Gerald in Spanish] ¡Adiós, oficial! [laughs while he walks off] Oh, who was I kidding? [a man walks past Gerald]


 * Man: Well, there goes the neighborhood, officer. [chuckles]


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: I knew I should've woken up this morning.


 * [The Good, the Bad and the Ugly begins playing as Lisa and Dexter glare at each other, while the camera alternates from Lisa to Dexter. Brad is concerned. A woman takes her phone out and snaps a picture of Lisa and Dexter facing off against each other. Brad walks up to Lisa]


 * Brad Pitt: Um, Lisa? Are you sure about this? 'Cause I don't think this looks good.


 * Lisa Simpson: Who cares what every man or woman thinks? [points to Dexter, who is offscreen] That foul man is now my archenemy. [Dexter smacks his fists together as the camera shows him] Trust me, I'll give him a piece of my mind. [Brad walks offscreen]


 * Dexter Heinrich: So, we came to be rivals, eh?


 * Lisa Simpson: Well, we're rivals now. And I'm going to beat you up for calling me a "dumb thickhead".


 * Dexter Heinrich: Oh, now that's what I like to hear.


 * Lisa Simpson: [points to something offscreen] Oh, look! Is that a parade float in the road?


 * Dexter Heinrich: [he looks away to see that nothing is here] Huh? Where? [Lisa walks offscreen while walking over to Dexter] I don't see anything. [Lisa clears her throat and Dexter looks back at her. Lisa kicks him in his testicles. The crowd gasps. He screams in pain, then falls over as Lisa backs away]


 * Lisa Simpson: Ouch. [the crowd cheers] Thank you! Thank you, folks! You've been a great audience!


 * Brad Pitt: [laughs as he walks over to Lisa] Well done, Lisa! You kicked that guy's ass!


 * Lisa Simpson: Yeah, I know! Well, I guess kicking people in their privates are always their main weakness.


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: [offscreen] Is it? Well, haven't you forgot about me? [camera shows him as Hail to the Chief begins to play]


 * Dexter Heinrich: Son of a--


 * Brad Pitt and Lisa Simpson: Officer Gerald Gatewood?!


 * Lisa Simpson: What are you doing here?


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: I came here to arrest someone. Someone vile and despicable, and that means [points to Dexter] you! [the crowd gasps, so does Dexter]


 * Lisa Simpson: Yes!


 * Dexter Heinrich: [shocked] Me?!


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: That's right, Dexter. [brandishes his Beretta 92FS Inox at him] Hands up. You're under arrest.


 * Dexter Heinrich: [stammers] How did you know my name?


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: I don't care if I know your name. You're [yelling angrily] under arrest! So hands up! Now! [Dexter does so. Gerald handcuffs him to his wrists. Lisa walks over to him and chuckles]


 * Lisa Simpson: Nothing like a good ol' cop of the city, [elbows Gerald] huh, buddy?


 * Officer Gerald Gatewood: [chuckles, then rubs Lisa's hair] You kids get me every damn day. [to Dexter] Tell it to the judge, scuzzbag. [he takes Dexter away]


 * Brad Pitt and Lisa Simpson: [using Homer's catchphrase] Woo-hoo!


 * Ned Flanders: [on the roof of the Simpsons house] Hi-diddly-ho, Lisa!


 * Lisa Simpson: [looks up to see Ned on the roof of the Simpsons house] Ned? What are you doing on our roof?


 * Ned Flanders: I'm, uh, spying on your family to see if they come back. You know, they went on a vacation. But, they'll be home soon. [notices the Simpsons family is already here. Gasps] Oh, no! They're already here! You better go, quickly!


 * Lisa Simpson: Okay, see you, Ned! [runs inside]


 * Ned Flanders: Bye, Lisa! [tries to get off the roof, but falls off] Whoa! [he falls to the ground, but he is not injured] Oh, well, at least my bones are still intact. [Santa's Little Helper comes over to Ned and barks at him]


 * [the credits begin rolling as I've Always Got You, The Way You Say and Jazzman play. After the credits roll, a post-credits scene appears, where the camera cuts to the Simpsons house, then to Lisa's bedroom, with Lisa laying down on her bed while reading a book. Homer passes her room, then steps back to see Lisa]


 * Homer Simpson: Lisa? Sweetie? Are you doing okay?


 * Lisa Simpson: Yeah, Dad. I'm doing okay.


 * Homer Simpson: Okay. [he leaves to go downstairs]


 * Lisa Simpson: Dad, wait! [Homer stops]


 * Homer Simpson: D'oh! [comes back to Lisa's room] What is it, honey?


 * Lisa Simpson: All I wanted to tell you is that I have been in the real world, where I met an extremely famous actor of the U.S.A., Brad Pitt. [Homer looks horrified. Gasps]


 * Homer Simpson: Brad Pitt?!


 * Lisa Simpson: Yes.


 * Homer Simpson: [screams, then runs out of Lisa's room. Lisa has a confused look on her face] Oh, God! Oh, God! I have to tell Marge about this!


 * Lisa Simpson: [using Mr. Burns's catchphrase] Excellent. [fade out to black]