The Gacha Life Movie (2028 film)/Transcript

Chapter 1: Meet Luni
UNIVERSAL PICTURES

ILLUMINATION

Bob: (la-la-ing the Gacha Life theme)

LUNIME

Luni: (PANTING) Okay. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Come on, let's go. Let's go, buddy. Come on, come on, we gotta move, we gotta move. Whoa! (GRUNTING) (SPITS) Uh-oh! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! No, no, no, no, no! (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Huh? (GASPING) Whoa, whoa, whoa (GRUNTS) Hey! Hey! Gotcha! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! (GRUNTS) Ow! Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Luni and Snake: (BOTH SCREAMING)

Luni: I don't like it! I don't like it! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) Whoo! (CHUCKLES) (SCREAMING) OW! Ooh! Ah! OW! OW! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh! Nose! Hand! Butt! Ribs! Privates! (GROANS) Ha! (SCREAMING) I'm flying! Nope, can't fly. (SCREAMING) (BURBLING) I cannot believe this. Breathe, breathe. (INHALES) (GASPS) Bottom feeder. Up and over! (PANTING) Whew! (GASPS) Ta-da!

(HORN TOOTS)

Tim: (SHRIEKING)

Luni: No, no, no, no. Look. It's okay. I'm just a clown. Oh, boy. That's a loud... Loud...

Tim: (SOBBING)

Luni: You're very scared of me. Here, come here.

Tim: (SHRIEKING)

Luni: Nope. Okay. Nope. Never mind. Uh, happy birthday!

Ed: Oh! Hi, pal. You must be so disappointed in yourself for being this late.

Luni: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm not late. Look at the time. See, the order said before noon.

Clock: (CACKLING)

Ed: Okay, now you're late.

Luni: What?

Ed: Where have you been?

Luni: It's funny you ask. You see, I was...

Ed: You missed the party. What is that?

Luni: Oh, that. Um, yes, see, I fell on the box.

Squirrel: (CHITTERS)

Luni: Oh, the squirrel?

Tim: (GIGGLES)

Luni: That's on us. You know, I tried to keep my body between the ground and the box, but, you know, I think I got a little bruise. See anything back there?

Tim: (GROANS)

Ed: Hear that, honey? The clown we paid to be here an hour ago fell on our son's birthday cake. That's why our son's birthday party is ruined!

Luni: Oh.

Ed: And the next time you mess up, don't tell me a story, just take responsibility.

Luni: Hey, man, it wasn't a story.

Ed: "I'm a screwup that woke up late and fell on the thing you paid for!"

Tim: (MIMICKING GIBBERISH)

Luni: It wasn't a story. I almost drowned. "I'm really bad at my job and I'm late..."

Ed: Why don't we just settle this out and say the cake's on you.

Tim: You.

Luni: (STRAINED GRUNTING) I'm sorry, it's on me?

Ed: Well, who else would it be on?

Luni: (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Well, you know, I... I'm not sure you're gonna like this, um, but since you asked. Rather than being on me, as you suggested, this cake… is on you!

GACHA LIFE

Luni: So, you wanna hear a story? I run my butt off, literally, mind you, to get the "gluten-free cake." What the heck is gluten? I mean, does gluten even exist?

Evelyn: (TREMBLING) Who are you?

Ed: Get outta here!

Luni: Already? But you're the only one that's had cake.

Ed: What...

Luni: Mmm. Oh, that's good stuff. Mmm. Anybody want to eat some cake off their dad or husband? Who needs plates when you got this guy's face, right? (CHUCKLES) Oh, oh, mmm! Oh, wait. I almost forgot. You know, I'm supposed to do a quick customer satisfaction survey before I (WHISTLES) split, okay? So, on a scale of one to three stars, what would you say about my performance? And don't forget, the squirrel was...

Squirrel: (SQUEAKS)

Luni: (DISTORTED) ...free...

Squirrel: (DISTORTED SCREAM)

Luni: Sorry about this!

Ed: No!

Luni: My bad. (GRUNTS) Huh.

All Three: (STRAINED GRUNTING)

(OTHERS GASP)

Tim: Mmm!

Luni: (MUFFLED) Congratulations!

Ed: Huh?

Evelyn: Oh!

Luni: It's a boy!

(PARANOID BY BLACK SABBATH PLAYING)

ILLUMINATION ENTERTAINMENT AND LUNIME ANIMATION PRESENTS

JASON SUDEIKIS

TINA FEY

DANNY MCBRIDE

MAYA RUDOLPH

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

KATE MCKINNON

SEAN PENN

CRAIG ROBINSON

IKE BARINHOLTZ TITUSS BURGESS

HANNIBAL BURESS JILLIAN BELL

IAN HECOX ANTHONY PADILLA

JAMES MARSDEN

DANIELLE BROOKS

with IDRIS ELBA

and KIM KARDASHIAN

Young Luni: (ANGRY GRUNT)