Brad & Lisa/transcript


 * [movie starts with the 2011 20th Century Fox logo]


 * [Lisa's alarm clock goes off. She wakes up as she yawns, turns it off and gets out of the covers]


 * Lisa Simpson: Good morning, Springfield! [walks up to her window and opens it, then smells the air] Ah! There is nothing like refreshing air this morning, isn't it?


 * Marge Simpson: [calling out to Lisa from downstairs] Lisa, breakfast!


 * Lisa: Ugh. Okay, Mom!


 * [cut to the family having breakfast. Lisa runs into the kitchen and sits]


 * Marge: I made pancakes for you, Lisa. I added it with syrup and butter on top of it.


 * Homer Simpson: Mmm... pancakes.


 * Marge: No, they're not for you, Homer. They're for Lisa.


 * Homer: D'oh!


 * Marge: [sets the plate down on the table] I hope you like it.


 * Homer: So... How about a little music for us? [turns the radio on and The Replacements' "Valentine" begins playing] Nope, not that one. [switches to another radio station and Smash Mouth's "Can't Get Enough of You Baby" starts to play] Ooh! Smash Mouth! [to Marge] I was once a fan of Smash Mouth, you know. [Marge groans. Then her phone rings and then answers it]


 * Marge: Hello?


 * Mr. Burns: [on phone] Mrs. Simpson, [the scene changes to Mr. Burns's office in the Springfield Power Plant where Mr. Burns is talking to Marge on the phone] is your husband going to work yet?


 * Marge: [the scene changes to Marge] Oh! Mr. Burns. [chuckles] Sorry, but we're off on vacation.


 * Mr. Burns: [the scene changes to Mr. Burns. He exclaims in shock] A v-v-vacation?!


 * Marge: That's [the scene changes to Marge] right. A vacation to Hawaii! And you know what a vacation [the scene changes to Mr. Burns] is?


 * Mr. Burns: Well, then what does the term "vacation" mean?


 * Marge: It means [the scene changes to Marge] a long period of leisure, where one is spent away from home or in traveling!


 * Homer: Here, let me have the phone, Marge. [Marge gives him the phone and Homer answers it] Hello? Homer Simpson speaking.


 * Mr. Burns: [on phone] Simpson, you were supposed to go to work today, remember? And you're off on vacation?!


 * Homer: Oh, don't be ridiculous. A vacation is, um... Marge, what was it again? I was deaf for a couple of seconds. [Marge whispers into his ear] It means you are an old loser who takes a vacation up your ass! [laughs. The scene changes to Mr. Burns once more. He hangs up]


 * Mr. Burns: Smithers, I've been shamed! That Homer is supposed to work here today, and he and his family are off on vacation!


 * Smithers: Sir, I have no idea with the term "vacation" is.


 * Mr. Burns: Nonsense, Smithers. You know what Homer is? He's nothing but a fat, lazy, ignorant loser!


 * Smithers: [thinking] I'll just pretend this thing is trying to come between me and Mr. Burns.


 * [the scene changes to the Simpsons house]


 * Lisa: Well, I guess Dad was right. Now that my family is off on vacation, Lisa Simpson gets to do all the things by herself! Hit it, Snowball! [Snowball V turns on the radio with her paw and Berlin's Lost in the Crowd begins playing. Snowball V meows afterwards and jumps off the table]


 * Brad: Look, what I'm trying to say is that--


 * Lisa: What are you saying?


 * Brad: We're best friends forever.


 * Lisa: [gasps] Really?! Best friends?! You and me?! Forever?!


 * Brad: Y-- Uh... Yes.


 * Lisa: [screams with joy and sighs] Ohh... This is amazing. We're... best friends... forever... [faints]


 * Brad: Lisa? [runs up to Lisa] Lisa! Lisa, wake up! [no response] Lisa?


 * Lisa: [regains consciousness and bursts into song] ♪Ohhhhhh, now that we're best friends forever, we get to have lots of fun. It's you and me, all about our friendship.♪


 * Brad: [singing along] ♪Oh, the night we were staring at the charming sky, and the shining stars were falling from the sky.♪


 * Lisa: ♪Oh, the day my bratty brother bothers me every time, and now that I'm here, I don't have to see him again.♪


 * Brad and Lisa: ♪Ohhh, now that we're best friends forever, we get to have lots of fun. It's you and me, all about our friendship. Ohhh, now that we're best friends forever, we get to have lots of fun. It's you and me, all about our friendshi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ip.♪ [they finish singing and sigh]


 * Lisa: So... What should we do next?


 * Brad: Well... The better question would be, "Why not do everything that friends would do?"


 * Homer: [Bart sneaks up to him, then slowly takes the sunglasses off his face] Huh? Bart! [as Homer tries to grab the glasses out of Bart's hands, Bart pulls them away] Those are my glasses! Give those back! [Bart throws the glasses away] No! [the glasses immerse in the ocean. Bart laughs] Why, you little! [strangles Bart] I'll teach you how to ruin my glasses!


 * Marge: Homer, will you ever stop that?


 * Homer: It was Bart's fault, not mine.


 * [Brad opens the shed while "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays in the background. We then see various weapons in the shed, showing a KRISS Vector, a Mk 18 Mod 0, a Smith & Wesson Model 49, a Brügger & Thomet MP9 fitted with an EOTech sight, a SIG Sauer P230, a Heckler & Koch HK417 fitted with a scope, a bipod and a foregrip, an Italian shotgun, an AMT Hardballer, an FN Five-seven, a Colt Anaconda, two M67 grenades, three M84 stun grenades, an M39 EMR fitted with a scope, a Steyr AUG A1, a CZ 75, a Ruger GP100, and an Intratec TEC-9. Lisa gasps in amazement]


 * Lisa: Wow! Brad, what kind of shed is this? And what are those things?


 * Brad: Oh, these? Yeah, those are real guns, capable of firing either bullets, shells or grenades, [points to two M67 grenades and three M84 stun grenades] like those. [the scene shows a close-up of the grenades] Also, they are exceedingly loud when firing. So loud that it completely erases the hearing of everyone's ears. [Lisa gasps] Oh, and kids are not permitted to play with those. Ever.


 * Lisa: What?! But, Brad, everyone knows I'm only eight years old.


 * Brad: Well, that's good to know.


 * Lisa: You ever heard of David Hasselhoff?


 * Brad: Who?


 * Lisa: David Hasselhoff. He was the world's greatest actor of all-time just like you. He also became a singer, a businessman--


 * Brad: [cutting her off] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. David Hasselhoff was a singer?


 * Lisa: Yeah. Back in the late 80s, he started his music career, starting off with his debut album, Looking for Freedom. That was the decade when me, Bart and Maggie were born.


 * Brad: Oh, yeah. I did not remember that since I was almost twenty-nine years old. And his nickname was "The Hoff".


 * Lisa: [gasps] My God! I never knew he had that nickname the whole time!


 * Brad: Yeah, me too.


 * Lisa: [scratching her butt while grunting]


 * Brad: Lisa? You're feeling a little itchy today, aren't you?


 * Lisa: Sorry. My underwear itches almost every time.


 * Brad: Wow. The motion of my car felt amazing.


 * Lisa: [her skin is pale] Yeah, and the motion of you driving your car at high speed has made me nauseous.


 * Brad: Really? [Lisa nods] Heaven knows why you get carsick so easily. [opens the glove box and gives Lisa a doggy bag. Lisa grabs it and throws up in it. Brad rolls Lisa's passenger car window down afterwards] Well... [sighs. Lisa wipes the vomit off her lips with her arm and throws the doggy bag out the window] At least we lost him. [Lisa looks in the car mirror and notices that Kurt is still behind them]


 * Lisa: [gasps] Oh, my God! He's still onto us! Step on it, Brad! [Brad steps in the gas pedal further more, making the car go faster]


 * [the credits begin rolling as "Salutations Springfield", "Sad Songs (Say So Much)", "Can You Spare a Dime" and "Moanin' Lisa Blues" play]