Brad & Lisa/transcript


 * [movie starts with the 2011 20th Century Fox logo]


 * [cut to the Simpsons house, then to Lisa's bedroom, with Lisa reading a book while sitting on her bed]


 * Lisa Simpson: Hmm... [she immediately stops reading as she looks at the audience. To the viewers] Oh, hey, everybody! Remember our first movie back in 2007? Yeah, it was a masterful success, but [slams the book closed] this time, ladies and gentlemen, is another Simpsons movie. Yes, you all heard me. [puts the book on her lap] 40 hours ago, I unexpectedly traveled to the real world, where I met Brad Pitt, the world's most attractive if not powerful actor of all-time. You all ready for the story? Then let's go! [she continues reading]


 * Homer Simpson: [enters Lisa's room] Everything okay there, sweetie?


 * Lisa: Yep, Dad. Everything's okay.


 * Homer: That's good. But, there's one thing I wanted to tell you.


 * Lisa: What is it?


 * Homer: You can stay here for about a day, [Marge enters the scene] because we're going on a vacation to Hawaii!


 * Marge Simpson: That's right, sweetheart! A vacation to Hawaii!


 * Lisa: Hawaii?


 * Homer: Uh... Hawaii is, uh... um... Uh... I don't know.


 * Lisa: [facepalms] Oh, don't you get it, Dad? Hawaii is a state of the United States located outside North America, and is the only island state in the country. The largest city is Honolulu, located in the island of Oʻahu, the third-largest of the Hawaiian Islands, nicknamed "The Gathering Place".


 * Marge: She's right, Homie.


 * Homer: Oh, I see.


 * Marge: What time is it, anyway?


 * Homer: Erm... [shrugs] I don't know.


 * Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, haven't you checked your watch to see what time it is?


 * Homer: [checks his watch] D'oh! It's one o'clock! That means we'll miss our flight to Hawaii! We've gotta hurry otherwise we'll fail to reach our plane!


 * Homer: So... how about a little pop music for us? [turns on the radio and Smash Mouth's Can't Get Enough of You Baby begins to play] Aw, yeah! I was once a fan of Smash Mouth, you know. [Marge groans]


 * [all of a sudden, a vortex appears outside, high above the backyard of the Simpsons house. Lisa gasps. Cut to Moe's Tavern, then the interior of it, where Barney, Lenny and Carl are drinking beer. Moe enters the scene]


 * Moe Szyslak: You all want a refill?


 * All (Barney, Lenny and Carl): Yeah! [Barney burps]


 * Moe: Gotcha. But, don't mention it, because that won't be worth extra mugs. [Comic Book Guy bursts in]


 * Comic Book Guy: Guys! [they all stare at Comic Book Guy with confused expressions on their faces] I got something bad for you all.


 * Moe: A tornado?


 * Carl Carlson: A hurricane?


 * Lenny Leonard: An earthquake?


 * Barney Gumble: A rainbow? [burps]


 * Comic Book Guy: No! It's a vortex!


 * All (Moe, Barney, Lenny and Carl): A vortex?


 * Comic Book Guy: Yes! Come on! Out! You gotta see this! [he, Moe and the barflies come out of the bar to see the vortex]


 * Lenny: You're right. I knew I should've moved to New York City.


 * Barney: More beer for me! [they all stare at Barney] What? [burps. Cut back to the backyard of the Simpsons house]


 * Lisa: Oh, God, stop this crazy thing! [screams. Hangs onto the grass just before she gets sucked in. Santa's Little Helper comes out of the Simpsons house and stares at Lisa] No! Don't leave me here! Don't! [Santa's Little Helper walks back in. The piece of the grass then snaps, sending Lisa into the vortex] Noooooooo! [the vortex closes]


 * Homer: [Bart sneaks up to him, then slowly takes the sunglasses off his face] Huh? Bart! [as Homer tries to grab the glasses out of Bart's hands, Bart pulls them away] Those are my glasses! Give those back! [Bart throws the glasses away] No! [the glasses immerse in the ocean. Bart laughs] Why, you little! [strangles Bart] I'll teach you how to ruin my glasses!


 * Marge: Homer, will you ever stop that?


 * Homer: It was Bart's fault, not mine.


 * Lisa: [sees Brad's house and gasps] Oh, my God! Was is that?


 * Brad: That, Lisa, is my house, known as 855 N Oak Grove Ave. Built in 1967, it was a single family home back when I was born four years ago.


 * Lisa: Wow! I never knew that!


 * Brad: That's right. And I'm gonna show you how many rooms this house has. [Brad and Lisa get out of his car and Brad walks to his house, but Lisa is standing here talking to herself]


 * Lisa: Keep it together, Lisa. This man you're obsessed with is setting in.


 * Brad: [offscreen] Lisa! Get over here! [Lisa runs up to Brad, and Brad is now at his door]


 * Lisa: Sorry, I was just talking to myself. But, how many rooms they are in this place?


 * Brad: I'll let you know how many they are, once I unlock this door. [gets key out, opens the glass door and starts unlocking the door]


 * Lisa: You ever heard of David Hasselhoff?


 * Brad: Who?


 * Lisa: David Hasselhoff. He was the world's greatest actor of all-time just like you. He was also a singer, a businessman and a prod--


 * Brad: [interrupts Lisa] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. David Hasselhoff was a singer?


 * Lisa: Yeah. He started his music career back in the 80s.


 * Brad: Oh, yeah. I don't remember that. And his nickname was "The Hoff".


 * Lisa: [gasps] Wow! I didn't know he had that nickname!


 * Brad: Yeah, me too. That David was a great actor like me. [suddenly, he and Lisa hear knocking at his door, startling Brad] Okay, who is it? [as he gets up, he walks up to his door] All this 'hear-that-knocking-at-my-door-and-come-and-answer-it' isn't quitting.


 * [camera changes to Brad and Lisa singing along with Kesha's Tik Tok on the radio while Brad is driving]


 * Lisa: ♪Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up♪


 * Brad: ♪Tonight, I'ma fight, till we see the sunlight♪


 * Brad and Lisa: ♪TiK ToK, on the clock, but the party don't stop, no. Woah-oh oh oh, woah-oh oh oh. Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up, tonight, I'ma fight, till we see the sunlight, TiK ToK, on the clock, but the party don't stop, no. Woah-oh oh oh, woah-oh oh oh.♪ [song ends]


 * Lisa: [sighs] That was magnificent, wasn't it, Brad?


 * Brad: Yeah, it sure was. Hey, we should write down our #1 thing: sing along while listening to a song on the radio. How does that sound?


 * Lisa: Um, I'm not going to lie... but that sounds amazing.


 * Brad: [sighs]


 * [cut to Dexter's house, where Brad is seen knocking at his door while Lisa is standing beside him. Dexter then opens his door]


 * Dexter: You two again? I thought I told you to get-- [Lisa pulls out a Franchi SPAS-12 at Dexter. He gasps in shock]


 * Lisa: You listen to me, you freak. Nobody, and I mean nobody, makes me cry, and that means you. You live in this town like Brad does. [to Brad] No offense there, Brad. [to Dexter] You live in this stupid, little house and you have no family, no children and no wife, and that means you are a loner! So, I am gonna ask you three questions.


 * Dexter: [terrified] I-I-I can't t-tell you!


 * Lisa: Oh, I can tell you. Question #1: what kind of pet do you own?


 * Dexter: Uh... Uh... [points at his cat, Romeo] R-Romeo! An American Curl. [Romeo rubs his whiskers on Lisa's leg and meows at her]


 * Lisa: Aww! [clears throat; to Dexter] Alright. Question #2: what year is it?


 * Dexter: Er... 2011.


 * Lisa: Good. And question #3: what year was I born?


 * Dexter: Uh... Er... 2003?


 * Lisa: Wrong! I was born in May 1982 as Lisa Marie Simpson. You know, my world has a floating timeline, so we never grow older. Ever.


 * Brad: Yeah, she's right, Dexter. She never grows older.


 * [the credits begin rolling as I've Always Got You, From Here to Springfield and Moanin' Lisa Blues play]